On the shelf: The Lonely American by Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz

by Debra Bendis

In years of experience as psychoanalysts, husband and wife Jacqueline Olds and Richard S. Schwartz found that though many of their patients describe themselves as "depressed," they are in fact suffering from something much more familiar: "We began to notice how much of their suffering was bound up in isolation and loneliness."

We're lonely, we're socially disconnected, and it's only getting worse. Citing a study led by Miller McPherson (pdf), the authors note that, from 1985 to 2004, "the number of people who said there was no one with whom they discussed important matters nearly tripled: in 2004, individuals without a single confidant now made up nearly a quarter of those surveyed." And yet, Olds and Schwartz observe, some of these desperately lonely people are probably spending hours online communicating each day. In April, they joined all Americans in spending the equivalent of 3,600 years total time on social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace.

If we're connecting to more and more people more often online and via phone, why are more people more lonely? There seems to be no definitive answer. One study finds that the Internet "fits seamlessly with in-person and phone encounters"; another reports that "the more time people spend using the Internet, the more they lose contact with their social environment."

Olds and Schwartz quote a psychiatrist in his 30s who may have the keenest insight when he calls his experience on Facebook "really intense but also superficial." In fact, the Internet as relationship facilitator can only go so far. It can keep us in touch with existing friends, help us meet new people, coordinate lively and stimulating discussions of any issue—but somehow it's leaving many of us unsatisfied and worse.

Is our investment in Web communication inhibiting us from using our initiative and energy to do the harder work of cultivating face-to-face meetings with others? Yes, suggest the authors, who say that "our brains appear to be wired to make getting along with other people an inherently physical enterprise."

Science writer Daniel Goleman explains this brain wiring:

In face-to-face interaction, the brain reads a continual cascade of emotional signs and social cues, instantaneously using them to guide our next move so that the encounter goes well. . . . And in e-mail there are no channels for voice, facial expression or other cues from the person who will receive what we say.

If loneliness in our society is rampant and destructive, what does that mean to those of us who are spending hours on the Web? What does it mean for our congregations' ministries to the lonely? And what does it mean to each of us as we assess our own relationships, both online and face-to-face, and our responsibilities in relationship?